Dear All,
The original title of this post was Heartguards and Iced Lemon Tea (my most favouritest drink of all time) but I haven’t been able to find good ILT in London as of yet. =( oh well. And yeah, those of you who thought EMO ALERT when you read that title, you were ABSOLUTELY right.
I know I’m completely emo when it hurts just to _type_ a smiley face.
But I’ll try to make this as un-painful for you as possible. =p
Truth be told, the week hasn’t been all that bad. I’ve finally preordered my
THE SIMS 3!!!
and I’m just counting down the days >w< I also wanted Dawn of War II and RE5 and Patapon 2… but I suppose I shall have to secure those by ‘other means’…
Also, I shared a pint of ale with a friend the other day during lunch (so we had half a pint each.. this is very important). Those of you who follow my blog will recall that some time ago we shared a pint of cider and when we came out the world was all roses, rainbows and unicorns. Well we walked out with a half-pint of ale each and the world seemed as dull a grey as ever. Then as we were crossing Waterloo Bridge, this strange, tall, blue-eyed brown-haired bloke we were approaching seemed to be bent over in agony. As we passed him, he held his hands to his head to imitate a deer-like fashion of sorts, and bobbed up and down.
We kept walking.
He jogged past us to the nearest signboard (which, given my height, I could walk under with no problem) and, doing his little antler-trick again, ‘peeked’ round the signboard.
“HOW ARE YOU” it asked.
“Fine, thanks,” I said, if only because if I hadn’t said anything I would have broken out in fits of laughter that would surely send my friend over the bridge if not across the four lanes of traffic.
“MY NAME IS FREDDY” it said.
“What?” asked my friend.
“He said his name is Freddy.” I replied, a bit too stiffly.
” HAVE A NICE DAYEEYAY” it said, sauntering off ahead to a girl we presumed to be a friend of his, whenceupon he immediately resumed the behavourial patterns of a normal human teenager.
My friend and I continued our trek across the bridge in silence.
“Was I hallucinating?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“You saw him too?”
“Yeap.”
More silence.
…
“…That’s the last time we share a pint of ale.”
I also managed to abstain from buying a pair of earphones just for looks (Metallica branded, huge, decent quality, but heavy price tag… £55, before discount. Instead, to satisfy my urges and remind myself of how good it is to be thrifty, I spent £3 on a small dog that barks and yips when you press its left ear, and I named it Earphones.
See, how good I can be. =)
Ow.
Right…. but to be fair, if that was all that was going on with my life, I wouldn’t be up here at 5AM in the morning when I made a promise to my friends to be down at reception brushed and washed and changed by eight. At this rate, I figure I’ll just play NFS til 6 and then do a bit of revision.
Because I need to keep my brain and my heart busy. These chemicals just aren’t good for me. And without my daily dose of Justea it seems to be getting worse and worse each passing day… week… month.
You know how sometimes when you set up guard after guard and shield after shield and bar after bar after bar in front of your heart, one little sentence from that one little person is all it takes to totally nuke your defences for a long, long while, and you feel like total f!ck when it happens cos your heart then becomes a baby crab. Not just a crab, but one without a shell; soft, squishy, easily flattened, easily poked, and easily boiled and roasted; and you KNOW it is, so you try to scurry away, little crab that you’ve become, only to find you saunter sideways now instead of straight like you’re uesd to, which just makes you go F!cK all the more.
Someone told me I run away from the stuff I write on my blog. Well, yes, I DO tend to not want to discuss some of the things I put up here in person, because when we debate over something so intangible over the internet, I actually have time to control my temper and formulate a proper, knowledgeable and informed response after some heavy thinking. Discussing my troubles in person, however, often leads to awkward moments because of the following reasons, ranked from ‘I’m a little worried’ to ‘I don’t ever want this to happen‘:
1) I can’t think of how to answer you.
2) I can’t think of how to answer you without hurting you.
3) I don’t see the point in hurting you or bothering you when I know I’ll feel better in at best a couple hours and at worst, a couple of days.
4) I know what your response will be, and the only time I’ll be wrong is when I tell you I know what your response will be, because then you’ll take precautions not to tell me so.
5) The last thing I want to hear from you is “I told you so”.
6) I don’t want to lose the little I have.
7) One day you’re going to be so sick of hearing me whine over the same thing over and over, you’ll just turn round one day and say, “Karyn, I give up on you” or better yet, you won’t bother asking me at all… and that will hurt more than me hurting you by telling you each and every single thing.
See, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the concern. In fact, sometimes that’s all I need to tide me over.
It is 5:08, I started at about 4:58, so I spent a good ten minutes writing this.
I want to write more. I want to keep writing and writing and writing until something hits me and I come up with some brilliant quote or analogy or phrase to keep me going. I want to keep writing because it seems to be one of the few things I can do, and do well. I want to keep writing because I don’t want to crawl into bed until I get all these emo thoughts out of my head. I want to keep writing so I have an excuse to keep the tears out of my eyes and the nightmares out of my head.
But it’s difficult to come up with something so ingenious when you’re an 18-year old law student who’s just discovered that she spent a good 18 years of her life being confused about the phrase ‘constitutional’, and you realize that you only have 2 hours (quickly becoming less than that) of sleep and life seems to be repeating itself over and over again, skipping over to the boring and the broken parts ALL the time. Every emotion is deja vu, every feeling is wishful thinking, and every hopeful prayer is shadowed in doubt because of a promise you thought SOMEONE would keep.
When I was younger I dreamed I would be a princess. I dreamed my prince on a white horse would come abound and rescue me from the shadows of the darkness. I dreamed, like every other girl, that I would have only one Prince Charming, and he would be Only My Prince Charming.
Now when people tell me about girls like that, I smile and cry and wonder, did you know, I was like that once?
Now the little girl who dreamed is an illusion. You can’t see her, but you feel her. You feel her everytime someone who might be Prince Charming hoves into view. She waits, she prays, she clasps her hands and watches for signs, watches for signals, and when none come, she disappears again, leaving a responsible, sensible 18-year-old in her place, waiting for the day she’ll reappear, and come out and meet someone she’ll never have to lie or hide secrets from again.
In the meantime, you study hard, work hard, and keep your thoughts focused on what lies immediately ahead… and remind yourself that if worse comes to worse you can always adopt and have half the fun. =)
See how deragatory this rant has become? Yeesh. I think even _I’ll_ be sick of it when I read it later on. GOD i sound desperate. That’s not right.
So yeah, you know… now that THAT’s out of my system…
…no acually, it isn’t.
Remember I talked about a long, long walk to nowhere? yeah. I’m bringing a backpack, a small rabbit and a bar of chocolate (not to eat[hopefully], but to keep me company) and twenty pounds, and I’m just going to walk wherever I feel like walking.
Wherever I end up, it can’t be worse than sitting here and letting my emotions rule my head.
It’s just that no one asks the right questions,
ThEditor.
