..is it over yet? Friday - August 7, 2009

can i open my eyes now?
Dear All,

Disclaimer: another post full of emo shit, okay?

Then again, I’m aware some people like to read this kinda thing. =.=

No one should have to feel this lonely.

It’s not like I’m being ungrateful for my lot in life… I just wonder why when things happen to me, they happen in truckloads. If something bad starts off my day I can expect it to continue throughout. I wonder if that happens to everyone? Cos I’m sick of letting fate or luck or Whoever is pulling the strings chuck obstacles at me nonstop. Is it meant to make me stronger? i know I will be but it hurts too, you know.

For those of you who don’t know my miserable little sob story, I got into a little love affair with the Melaccan police authorities. Spent an entire day chasing police station after police station, with my boyfriend in tow. As a result, I’m no longer allowed down there the rest of my holiday by myself, and my car is in the shop for servicing. You can go ahead and laugh and say it serves me right, but that’s not the end of it. I come home to find I’ve no internet and I’m grounded for a week. I sleep the days away waiting for the weekend to come and for the internet to return. It comes back Thursday, along with a letter from MPH saying they’re publishing another of my short stories. Happy happy joy joy. Along with that letter is one requesting a copy of my contract for he first story they’d published cos they can’t find it. blah.

The next morning starts off with events i wouldn’t say i didn’t expect, and I’m going to leave it at that. The rest of the day finds me emoing because the people I made plans to go out with after my grounding-period can no longer make it or have to  postpone/reschedule. Which is difficult, considering i start work for two weeks on monday and I’ll be working in KL from 8 to 5, which is going to make meeting anyone with any sense of how impossible traffic is in KL close to impossible.

I turn on the internet to try and find something to be cheerful about and I read about the roasted apples we have as heads of government, which only serves to piss me off further. I search my list for people i can talk to about what i’m feeling, anyone… but those i feel i can talk to have their statuses offline or busy or away. I turn it all off and go to sleep only to friggin DREAM about people deciding that my company isn’t worth their time or effort.

Have i mentioned my biggest fear in the world is feeling alone?

I wake up and lie on the chair, staring at the com in front of me for hours, not doing anything. By this time I’m waiting for a sign, a call, an sms, anything to prove my subconscious wrong, anything to say “Karyn you’re not alone, Karyn someone does care for you, Karyn if you need reassurance we’re here.” But i stare at a static screen for ages, letting my thoughts run free without anything to hinder or divert them. I think about all the times I felt like I wasn’t worth anything. I tried thinking about times i’d been worse off, and i end up finding that I believe that all the mistakes i made have repercussions even now. I find myself running toward a past I’ve been trying to ignore.. I find myself making ridiculous resolutions about how I’m going to do better things with my life from this point on, only to be discouraged by the thought that I’ve tried before and failed. I try to pray but I can’t concentrate because I don’t know what it is I’m asking for.

I’m about to give up, when, before retiring for the night, I give someone a poke.

Things get started, and it takes all of two hours, but in the end I heard the words I needed to hear.

And I realize I’d been crying because I wanted to know i was wanted.

And slowly things start looking up… night time seems to be when people my age come back to life because one by one we share thoughts and emo stories and rants.. and i feel better, knowing throughout that one person finally proved me wrong. I didn’t need someone just to talk to.. I needed someone who wanted to talk to me, who wanted my company… I wanted to hear those words without having to say that I want to hear them. It feels too long since the last time I heard them..

And I’m going to hold those words to sleep tonight because they make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

No, there’s no real moral value or purpose to this story. It’s just something I’m doing because I can get away with it, so there.

I’m terrified of being alone… and i think it’s because my biggest enemy is myself. I can’t stand it. Isn’t that pathetic? I can be optimistic about anything in the world that doesn’t involve me.

And when it hits that stage all you can do is go to bed and hope tomorrow will be better.. which is fine, as long as you never tire of hearing yourself say it.

ThEditor.

*do you know the meaning
of chasing butterflies?

Heartguards and Apple Juice. Saturday - January 24, 2009

Dear All,

The original title of this post was Heartguards and Iced Lemon Tea (my most favouritest drink of all time) but I haven’t been able to find good ILT in London as of yet. =( oh well. And yeah, those of you who thought EMO ALERT when you read that title, you were ABSOLUTELY right.

I know I’m completely emo when it hurts just to _type_ a smiley face.

But I’ll try to make this as un-painful for you as possible. =p

Truth be told, the week hasn’t been all that bad. I’ve finally preordered my

THE SIMS 3!!!

 

and I’m just counting down the days >w< I also wanted Dawn of War II and RE5 and Patapon 2… but I suppose I shall have to secure those by ‘other means’…

Also, I shared a pint of ale with a friend the other day during lunch (so we had half a pint each.. this is very important). Those of you who follow my blog will recall that some time ago we shared a pint of cider and when we came out the world was all roses, rainbows and unicorns. Well we walked out with a half-pint of ale each and the world seemed as dull a grey as ever. Then as we were crossing Waterloo Bridge, this strange, tall, blue-eyed brown-haired bloke we were approaching seemed to be bent over in agony. As we passed him, he held his hands to his head to imitate a deer-like fashion of sorts, and bobbed up and down.

We kept walking.

He jogged past us to the nearest signboard (which, given my height, I could walk under with no problem) and, doing his little antler-trick again, ‘peeked’ round the signboard.

“HOW ARE YOU” it asked.

“Fine, thanks,” I said, if only because if I hadn’t said anything I would have broken out in fits of laughter that would surely send my friend over the bridge if not across the four lanes of traffic. 

“MY NAME IS FREDDY” it said.

“What?” asked my friend.

“He said his name is Freddy.” I replied, a bit too stiffly.

” HAVE A NICE DAYEEYAY” it said, sauntering off ahead to a girl we presumed to be a friend of his, whenceupon he immediately resumed the behavourial patterns of a normal human teenager.

My friend and I continued our trek across the bridge in silence.

“Was I hallucinating?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“You saw him too?”

“Yeap.”

More silence.

…

“…That’s the last time we share a pint of ale.”

I also managed to abstain from buying a pair of earphones just for looks (Metallica branded, huge, decent quality, but heavy price tag… £55, before discount. Instead, to satisfy my urges and remind myself of how good it is to be thrifty, I spent £3 on a small dog that barks and yips when you press its left ear, and I named it Earphones. 

See, how good I can be. =)

Ow.

Right…. but to be fair, if that was all that was going on with my life, I wouldn’t be up here at 5AM in the morning when I made a promise to my friends to be down at reception brushed and washed and changed by eight. At this rate, I figure I’ll just play NFS til 6 and then do a bit of revision.

Because I need to keep my brain and my heart busy. These chemicals just aren’t good for me. And without my daily dose of Justea it seems to be getting worse and worse each passing day… week… month. 

You know how sometimes when you set up guard after guard and shield after shield and bar after bar after bar in front of your heart, one little sentence from that one little person is all it takes to totally nuke your defences for a long, long while, and you feel like total f!ck when it happens cos your heart then becomes a baby crab. Not just a crab, but one without a shell; soft, squishy, easily flattened, easily poked, and easily boiled and roasted; and you KNOW it is, so you try to scurry away, little crab that you’ve become, only to find you saunter sideways now instead of straight like you’re uesd to, which just makes you go F!cK all the more.

Someone told me I run away from the stuff I write on my blog. Well, yes, I DO tend to not want to discuss some of the things I put up here in person, because when we debate over something so intangible over the internet, I actually have time to control my temper and formulate a proper, knowledgeable and informed response after some heavy thinking. Discussing my troubles in person, however, often leads to awkward moments because of the following reasons, ranked from ‘I’m a little worried’ to ‘I don’t ever want this to happen‘:

1) I can’t think of how to answer you.

2) I can’t think of how to answer you without hurting you.

3) I don’t see the point in hurting you or bothering you when I know I’ll feel better in at best a couple hours and at worst, a couple of days.

4) I know what your response will be, and the only time I’ll be wrong is when I tell you I know what your response will be, because then you’ll take precautions not to tell me so.

5) The last thing I want to hear from you is “I told you so”.

6) I don’t want to lose the little I have.

7) One day you’re going to be so sick of hearing me whine over the same thing over and over, you’ll just turn round one day and say, “Karyn, I give up on you” or better yet, you won’t bother asking me at all… and that will hurt more than me hurting you by telling you each and every single thing.

See, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the concern. In fact, sometimes that’s all I need to tide me over. 

 It is 5:08, I started at about 4:58, so I spent a good ten minutes writing this. 

I want to write more. I want to keep writing and writing and writing until something hits me and I come up with some brilliant quote or analogy or phrase to keep me going. I want to keep writing because it seems to be one of the few things I can do, and do well. I want to keep writing because I don’t want to crawl into bed until I get all these emo thoughts out of my head. I want to keep writing so I have an excuse to keep the tears out of my eyes and the nightmares out of my head.

But it’s difficult to come up with something so ingenious when you’re an 18-year old law student who’s just discovered that she spent a good 18 years of her life being confused about the phrase ‘constitutional’, and you realize that you only have 2 hours (quickly becoming less than that) of sleep and life seems to be repeating itself over and over again, skipping over to the boring and the broken parts ALL the time. Every emotion is deja vu, every feeling is wishful thinking, and every hopeful prayer is shadowed in doubt because of a promise you thought SOMEONE would keep.

When I was younger I dreamed I would be a princess. I dreamed my prince on a white horse would come abound and rescue me from the shadows of the darkness. I dreamed, like every other girl, that I would have only one Prince Charming, and he would be Only My Prince Charming. 

Now when people tell me about girls like that, I smile and cry and wonder, did you know, I was like that once? 

Now the little girl who dreamed is an illusion. You can’t see her, but you feel her. You feel her everytime someone who might be Prince Charming hoves into view. She waits, she prays, she clasps her hands and watches for signs, watches for signals, and when none come, she disappears again, leaving a responsible, sensible 18-year-old in her place, waiting for the day she’ll reappear, and come out and meet someone she’ll never have to lie or hide secrets from again.

In the meantime, you study hard, work hard, and keep your thoughts focused on what lies immediately ahead… and remind yourself that if worse comes to worse you can always adopt and have half the fun. =)

See how deragatory this rant has become? Yeesh. I think even _I’ll_ be sick of it when I read it later on. GOD i sound desperate. That’s not right.

So yeah, you know… now that THAT’s out of my system…

…no acually, it isn’t. 

Remember I talked about a long, long walk to nowhere? yeah. I’m bringing a backpack, a small rabbit and a bar of chocolate (not to eat[hopefully], but to keep me company) and twenty pounds, and I’m just going to walk wherever I feel like walking. 

Wherever I end up, it can’t be worse than sitting here and letting my emotions rule my head.

It’s just that no one asks the right questions,
ThEditor. 

Are you Tree, Leaf, or Wind? Friday - January 16, 2009

Dear All,

This story does not belong to me. I pulled it off a facebook friend’s notes. =)

*****

Here’s a beautiful/sad/loving/pondering story I came across many many years ago…

Question is… who are you?… 

 

Tree
_____________

People call me “Tree”. 

I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There is one girl who I love alot but never dared to go after. She didn’t have a pretty face, good figure or an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl. I liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her was that I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid other’s gossip would hurt her.

I felt that if she were my girl, she’d be mine ultimately & I didn’t have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years. She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years. She was a good actor, and me ademanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & said, “Go on!” before running off.The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I did not want to know what caused her to cry. Later that day, I returned from soccer training to get something & watched her cry in the classroom for an hour or so. My fourth girlfriend did not like her.There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she is not the type that will start the quarrel. However, I still sided my girlfriend. I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside I was hurt too.

When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. Later thatday, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my breakup.Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together. I knew who the person was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I did not show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes.Once I reached home, I could not breathe. Tears rolled & I broke down. How many times have I seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence?

During graduation, I read a SMS in my hp. It said, “Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay” 

Leaf
_______________

People call me Leaf.

During the 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. However, when he had his first girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt – Jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hidmy happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.

I liked him & I know he liked me. But why won’t he pursue me? Since he loves me why he didn’t he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspect that this was one-sided love. If he didn’t like me, why did he treat me so well? It’s beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits.But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can’t expect mea girl, to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care
for him, accompany him, and love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me. Because of this, I waited for him. Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.

At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me. Everyday he pursues me. He’s like the cool & gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from a tree. In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land. Finally, leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled & didn’t ask me to stay. 

Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or cause Tree didn’t ask her to stay.

Wind
________________

Because I like a girl called leaf. Because she’s so dependent on tree, so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 month after I was transferred to this new school. I saw a petite person look ing at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. When he talks with girls, there’s jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there’s a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like, she likes to look at him. 

One day, she didn’t appear. I felt something missing. I can’t explain the feeling except it’s a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepts the note. The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.

It read, “Leaf’s heart is too heavy and wind couldn’t blow her away.”

“It’s not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree.” I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can’t remember how many times I have declared my love to
her. Although I know, she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope.

Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend. I didn’t hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked, “What are you doing? How come you didn’t want to reply?” She said, “I’m nodding my head”. “Ah?” I couldn’t believe my ears. “I’m nodding my head” She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell. During the moment when she opens the door, I hugged her tightly.

Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay…

________________________________________________________________

PS: Oh it came with a moral too… didn’t had that when I saw this last time… here’s the other half

Moral
_____________________

In love, we win very rarely, but when love is true, even if you lose, you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself. There comes a time when we stop loving someone, not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that, they’d be happier if we let go….

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry? When we imagine? When we kiss? This is because THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD ARE UNSEEN.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world.
It’s the beginning of a new life. Happiness lies for those who cry those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched our 
lives.

A great love? It’s when you shed tears and still you care for them, it’s when they ignore you and still you long for them. It’s when they begin to love another and yet you smile and say, “I’m happy for you.” If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again. Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it.

The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall. Somehow, along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize that there should never be regrets, only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you’ve made. Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on.

It’s more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly. Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever…

It’s best to wait for the one you want than settle for one that’s available. It’s best to wait for the right one because life is too short to waste on just someone.

***

 

“ISaidIWouldn’tCry”
ThEditor. 

Pining my life away. Tuesday - November 11, 2008

Dear All,

The past week has been a super roller-coaster ride. My stomach and my heart switched places more than a couple of times, my body’s been aching all over like jelly and I’ve been feeling dizzy and sick on and off, every now and then. NO, you loons, I did not have sex -.- (as suggested by a certain online friend of mine…)

It’s been an emotional train wreck. More than a couple of times I had stuff beating me down and I found myself telling myself that I was being a fool a lot more often than usual. Following a friend to church didn’t help as much as it used to this time around; I felt entirely disconnected and more ‘apart from’ everything than ‘a part of’ everything. More than a couple of times I felt like I just wanted to stop it all, curl up in one corner of my bed and let my feelings loose, let my frustration and anger and sadness out, and go deep in my head, go home, go back in time to a place where I didn’t need to know anything more than that I was loved…

But that kind of place is only exactly where it is now; in my head. And I need to find other things to cheer me up and help me smile. 

To be fair, the week hasn’t been entirely rotten. I managed to catch up with a certain friend I haven’t heard from for a long time, and I found out he has a girlfriend (I’m so happy for him! =D)… I finally got my printer… My friends and I have arranged to go to a clubbing event called Enigma, which I’m really looking forward to… and there’s no Public Law lecture this week =D

But it’s been a really weak sort of happiness, and I know I’m losing my resolve, when I hear one sad song and it takes all my concentration not to break down. 

Times like this, I keep telling myself I’m not facing the worst of it. There are people out there who need the time I can spare, the money I can spare, the smiles I can spare and all the love I can give. It may not be much, and it may not make a difference; but I’d rather be condemned for trying too hard than for not trying at all. 

I could wish and wish someone would do the same for me… but it never matters how much you love someone, or you trust someone, or you have faith in someone; sometimes, there are things no one can help you understand but that one person… sometimes there are things that you can never say aloud because all it does is make things worse… Qui connaît le cœur caché derrière mon sourire?

So I keep searching and looking and pushing through every day hoping tomorrow will be better, that tomorrow I’ll be stronger, that tomorrow I’ll be happier; and I know one day I’ll get there. In the meantime, the only thing I’m really actually pissed about is that I spend too much time feeling sorry and sad for myself, when I should be smiling and laughing about the little things that usually make me happy, or at the very least occupying myself with work so that I get SOMEthing done.

For instance (and this is being poetic)…. the moon is full and pretty tonight. It reminds me of being in love. 

Let them persecute me; I can’t give a damn, really.

It’s just a phase, it’s just a phase… I just have to keep saying that… right?

I have better things to do… than feel bad for myself.

One day I’ll get there… and on that day

there’ll be no one happier than me…….

 

baby in red

 

 

And I Will Wait Forever To See Myself In Your Eyes,
ThEditor. 

The best of any situation. Friday - October 10, 2008

If you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead – Ratatouille

…

Well, not this time, I guess. Maybe someday, maybe someone.

… is it worth smiling…?

well.. in my own words, it could be worse.

 =)

Maybe one day I’ll tell him after all…

ThEditor

Gila pissed sial. Sunday - October 5, 2008

Dear all,

I know i’m technically not supposed to be pissed at things I can’t control. But DAMN if i’m going to keep it all inside all the time.

I just can’t help but think about the things I miss out on and the things I give up my wants for. And then some* or something comes and takes it all away. What on earth am I doing wrong THIS time? Is this giong to just happen all the * again? What more could you ask of me?

I shouldn’t let this depress me. I shouldn’t really care. I should just pop down to Tesco and buy myself a carton of milk and honey and finish the whole damn thing and then some. I should just go to the music room and write down these emo songs I’m making up in my head. I should get into my track jammies and work it off til all my adrenalin runs out. I shouId focus my anger on my studies and get all my work for the next two weeks done and over with. I should just hold Angel and cry til I got nothing inside anymore. That always works.

CRAP. now i’m even more pissed because I’m so pissed I forgot the tune of the song I just thought up. Crap fck sodding gr.

I’m going to take a walk down to tesco and back,  i don’t care anymore. It’s late, and cold, and i’m tired and still hungry. But maybe at least I’ll get that song back.

A very pissed
ThEditor

a happier me, pre-autumn ball

Edited: Got some chocolate milk and I remember the song I created. Feeling better now.

I AM MALAYSIAN! (Annuar: Drop Ahmad issue)?? Tuesday - September 2, 2008

“Kelantan UMNO yesterday urged Barisan Nasional component party Gerakan to stop demanding that UMNO and the coalition penalise [Datuk Ahmad Ismail] over his racially sensitive remarks about the Chinese community (read previous post).” 

” It’s chairman, Tan Sri Annuar Musa, said the remarks by Bukit Bendera UMNO division chief Datuk Ahmad Ismail were made in a personal capacity, similar to the statements by several Gerakan leaders urging the party to leave BN.”

“Gerakan has, of late, issued statements which threatened the harmony of BN but UMNO leaders have been patient … the moderation of UMNO leaders, particularly Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, should not be taken advantage of.” 

-All excerpts from New Straits Times page 8 (Prime News), September 2nd 2008, Tuesday.

The New Straits Times has been accused of serving as a propaganda tool for the Malaysia government^{[citation needed]} and its proxy owner, theUnited Malays National Organisation (UMNO), which is a right-wing Malay political party. - excerpt from Wikipedia article on New Straits Times.

Dear YOU. 

If, hypothetically speaking, I stood in the middle of, say, KLCC Park, and shouted out that in my personal opinion, I HATE Indians/Malays and I think they’re inhibiting the country’s progress, would I be charged with sedition? Would the ISA be all out for my guts? Or would you stoop so low as to send of your people to beat me up and say, oh, s/he did of in her/his personal conviction? Why are bloggers, whose blogs are filled with personal thoughts and opinions and heartfelt hopes, being blocked and taken down for being ’seditious’ then? 

UMNO, do not change the topic… the fact remains that what Ahmad Ismail said hurt the country’s people, he should be charged by the ISA by all legal counts. Don’t try to divert our attention to something that Gerakan did, it doesn’t change what Ahmad Ismail said. At least Gerakan learned their lesson and has the guts to speak their mind even if we all think it may just be a losing battle.

If I understand correctly, UMNO would rather keep Ahmad Ismail as he is and allow Najib to slide by without at least a public apology/reprimanding, and are more focused on the statements made by Gerakan that could ‘threaten the harmony of BN’, than passions and pride of their people? Or are we ‘Malaysians’ not your people, that you would stand up for the Malays but not for us? Or is the party for the people, more important than the people? Or do you simply not see that your people are angry at you?

Moderation? Where was the moderation of the UMNO leaders during other times? Calling this ‘moderation’ instead of lenience is more laughable than that joke about the twleve-inch pianist.

From this statement, if he speaks for all of UMNO, I can clearly see where their priorities lie. Haven’t you realized by now that if the majority of your people are Malays but you’re STILL losing the elections (by a metaphorical landslide, I may add) with the current stand you’re taking, it might *HACK**HACK**COUGH* be time for a change? 

I’d like to write a more educated-sounding article, but this extent of stupidity present is too much for even me to process.

Here’s my advice, SIR. Go get an SPM History textbook. Read it. Try to use your ‘adult’, ‘educated’ mind to think about what sparked the racial riots and dissatisfaction here.

I know how pissed I am when I find myself wanting to kick someone whom I know could very well put me in jail.

It’s not people like us who are making racial harmony impossible. It’s people like you. 

 

What have you done for/to us?
ThEditor. 

Ahmad didn’t mean it? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? Monday - September 1, 2008

Dear All (Malaysians),

My mother always said, and I agree with her at least on this, that even when people were pissed while Mahathir was our PM and they said he was too strict, too this, too that, even so, comparing him to Pak Lah, it’s like choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea. In my personal opinion, our country did ‘reasonably’ well both economically and politically under Mahathir… a condition that seems to be absent these days…

Has anyone read the news yet? About those racist comments Ahmad Ismail (Bukit Bendera chief of UMNO) made against the chinese? Here’s a quote from The Star Online…

“Ahmad had allegedly called the Chinese pendatang (immigrants) and was also reported to have said that “as the Chinese were only immigrants it was impossible to achieve equal rights amongst races” during a ceramah in Permatang Pauh in Aug 25.

He had allegedly uttered the remarks in the presence of Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.

Penang Gerakan Youth committee member Dr Thor Teong Gee lambasted Ahmad and charged that Umno was still using racial ideology to achieve its own personal political agenda.

Bukit Mertajam MCA division chairman Lau Chiek Tuan called for disciplinary action against Ahmad.

Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng’s political secretary Ng Wei Aik also called on Ahmad to immediately retract his statement and apologise to the community.

Ahmad could not be reached for comment.”

And all our PM had to say was, 

“I will tell him not to do it again. You know in a campaign all sorts of things can come up. I don’t think he meant it. I’ll make sure to tell him not to use it again.”

Is a public apology even going to be enough? Firstly I doubt it would be sincere… and assuming it was, i don’t think it’s enough to make the people happy. If the races’ roles were reversed and it was for example, an MCA chief or a minority party chief for that matter, saying something like that about the MALAY heritage, would they get away with it so easily? I don’t think so! If you’re trying to convince me that yes you (assuming u are malay) would forgive him/her so easily, there’s a 99.999% chance you’re trying to fool me, yourself and the rest of the world.  Politics is just an ugly battleground for the rich and the powerful who can use the little people like Army Men.

Even if this comment DIDN’T come up in a heated campaign and even if it WASN’T the month of our independence, i don’t think this kind of comment should be allowed to slide just like that.

Mr Ahmad Ismail, if you can find DEFINITE proof that the Malays are really all from this land of Malaya (and this source is an independant source ie not from Malaysia), maybe then the burden of your actions on that 25th of August 2008 would not be so heavy. Probably lighter by a feather’s weight. Did your forefathers DEFINITELY come from a small village in Malaya?… Are you sure? I am not saying that there are no real natives amongst the bumiputeras in our country today.. but are ALL of them definitely from this land? I know I’m speaking really kiddy now, but how else do you speak to immature people? It’s like explaining hydrolysis to a 2 month old baby… you just can’t do it.

What do you think would happen if all the Chinese left malaysia tomorrow so you could have your ‘harmony’? If you need us and (you think) we need you, why are you stirring up trouble to begin with? What kind of insult do you think you have made towards all us Chinese whose forefathers like yours gave their lives for this country, and to bring us here where we are today? 

Ahmad Ismail has joined the ranks of the immature politicians of the world, because he used his mouth before his brain. Unless he doesn’t have one, in which case he is excused.

And our PM… I’m so disappointed in you. I’ve got nothing more to say.

I said this before, but if Najib becomes our next PM, I am not coming back (if I can help it) til he’s gone. It’s just a personal thing. I knew I didn’t like him from the instant I saw him yawning during the PM’s speech during our 50th Independence celebrations last year.

To those of you who are thinking of telling me, “Why bother? Why get so worked up? You know this can’t help anything,” etc., I’m saying all this and telling the world all this because 

1. I’m proud of who I am; a Chinese who can call herself Malaysian. I say I AM proud, because no matter how many mistakes we make today, the Malaysia I am proud of once existed and for her I will always fight.
2. If everyone takes that kind of lax attitude, what kind of country would we have? In a country where blunt, open criticism and opinions are NOT TOLERATED, what would happen? We’d all be nothing toys of the corrupt and the rich. What Ahmad Ismail said, he assumed to be fact…
3. Everywhere I go online, people who are members of Gerakan or PKR are using this statement in their blogs… whether it is sincere or for political purposes I don’t know. I want to take this opportunity to say that unlike some of these people (even though their sentiments mostly echo my own) I believe in SOME of the things UMNO has done (it’s a lesser of two evils situation.. or in this case, four or five) and it is not my wish in this post to entirely condemn UMNO (although i must say they’re getting reaaaaally close) but only this one person; Ahmad Ismail, Bukit Bendera chief of UMNO.

If a war between countries broke out tomorrow (God forbid), whose side do you think the Chinese would be on? Do you think we’d fight with the Malays and Indians side by side, as we did pre-independence? Or would we side with the enemy because we’d been ‘betrayed’ or ‘left aside’ all these years? Or would we just run away?

It’s all up to you to decide. I know what my answer would be.

Love for my country, or love for my people?
The 18 year old Malaysian-Chinese Editor. 

I mean no offense to the Malay community in general, and for any offense taken, I apologize in advance. Criticism I don’t mind, and I will do my best to respond if I feel is necessary.